I need to get out of my head

Today I dunno what’s be wrong with me.

This morning I was okay, tired, but okay.  The first lecture went pretty much okay.

I got ditched when I went out to smoke before the next lecture, but that doesn’t really bother me.  That lecture was pretty hellish though, I just can’t cope with how to do the maths.  Even copying it off yahoo answers and trying to relate that to the formulas we were using (there must be some difference between how Americans are taught and us).  I used to be able to cope with it, now I just get snappy with everyone because they get frustrated with me for not being able to understand.

The next lecture wasn’t too bad, got wound up because I had to do a speech, but I neither shook nor fainted so it wasn’t too bad.  Not looking forward to the presentation tomorrow at all though, should really finish it.

We had tutorial, and I can’t remember much of that to be honest.  He was talking some crap about getting a job in engineering and that’s just not happening.  I have no idea what is, but that isn’t.  I just zoned out and don’t even know what I was thinking about.

Finished the day, went outside, I was talking about something, I can’t remember what, only that I was swearing a lot and in one of my reckless moods where I just don’t give a shit about anything.  Walking to the train station I started to get really annoyed, something stupid was going on with the traffic and I stood for about five minutes trying to cross a road before giving up and dodging between the stationary traffic.

Went to the toilet at the station and got out of my binder, I was starting to feel sick because I’m not used to wearing it and had worn it for the past two days, and since 6:30 that morning, it was 5:35pm then.  The train eventually pulled up and I started listening to some music.  My girlfriends brother got on and sat across the aisle, I think he wanted to make conversation, but there’s no way that I’m talking to him.  It’s pretty much unanimous in our village that there’s no point because he is basically a shaved gorilla who smokes way too much weed.  And regardless of his brainpower, he’s hurt my girlfriend, his sister, a couple of times and it’s all I can do not to smack his face in when I see him, but I know it’ll do more harm than good.

Got off the train slightly calmer, but my parents were late picking me up as usual, which pisses me off.  I can’t really remember what I did when I got home, argued with my dad over the shower because he refuses to use it after me but there’s not enough hot water for three consecutive showers and it was getting late-ish at night and he was refusing to hurry up and use it.

[TW: Sexual Assualt]

Came up to my room, and I’m just feeling drained now.  Listening to Nick Drake and trying to forget that I found the message that the person who sexually assaulted me sent me trying to reconcile with me.  I’m not sure how I’m managing to keep it out of my head, because sorry just isn’t fucking good enough.  He didn’t lose friends.  He didn’t get made to look like a violent cunt like I did.  He got the reputation for being able to get a “lesbian” into bed.  Never mentioned that I was drunk did he?  Never mentioned that he planned to get me pissed did he?  Never fucking mentioned that I was crying and he kept on sticking his filthy fingers into his “best friend” and grabbing my hand forcing me to toss him off… okay I shouldn’t have started writing this.  Fuck.  I need her.  I need my baccy.


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